Last week was going to be when Pete the scientists came and installed a pump to my water butt. This would pump water directly to my toilet, so I didn’t have to make the long journey down my stairs out into the cold to collect it.   However, Pete has been super busy doing sciencey things so wasn’t able to install the pump.  Hopefully it’ll happen in the next couple of weeks. 

I was pretty disappointed by this, which in turn made me I realised something.  I am lazy.  I have 250 litres of grey water just outside my house and I want to install a pump so I don’t have to go out and collect it and carry it back up in to the house.  Really !? Yes, really.   And for that I feel ashamed and embarrassed, I am struggling so hard with my lazy habitual nature, which I realise has been ingrained into me by a life time of growing convenience for us humans.   It is amazing my how much it is in my body, this genuine reluctancy to exert effort for a simple tasks, like collecting water in a bucket.  There have been countless times when I WISHED I could just flush a toilet without having to think about it.  Because now, when I do flush a toilet I feel instant regret and guilt.  Two very common emotions that emerge from me when faced with climate change/the environment’s well being.  AHHH!  

I need to remember that one of the main reasons behind this project, is the opportunity for me to take some responsibility for my life on this planet, so I can start to move passed my paralyzing guilt and into positive action.  But this internal struggle around my own desire for convenience and the opposing hope that I can change, is constant and fucking confusing ! I experience this, not just in relation to my water usage, but also in other areas such as food waste, energy usage and my subconscious assumption I need to buy everything !  (To make me happy, obvs.)    

Now, I see why the head in the sand option, is so appealing - ignorance is bless.  

The main thing that is helping me through some of this turmoil is my own stubbornness to do what I said I would do.  And to have a little help along the way, isn’t necessarily lazy, it’s just part of the ‘scientific’ process, right !? We are exploring how we can continue to develop conveniences, only this time we are trying to put the plant first so hopefully my convenience can be less harmful to it and to me/us.